A Counselor’s Favorite Set of Questions to Ask Teens

Sometimes talking to teens can feel like pulling teeth. Parents tell me they feel like they are grilling their teens for answers, when really they just want to know more about their day or life.

As a counselor, I love to ask questions that help me understand the client but also gets them thinking.

A few tips first:

1. Stay away from closed questioning, you know, where they can only answer with yes or no.

2. Set the tone. First, understand why you want to ask questions in the first place. Do you just want to know more about your teen or are you really trying to connect? Then talk to your teen about why it’s important. You can make it a game-ask each other each question. Or simply sprinkle these questions in throughout a given day.

3. Be genuine. Again, let your teen know your intention is not to “grill” them but to learn more about them.

4. Don’t judge. Seriously, DON’T DO IT. If they say their perfect day is to sit in their room, ok, bam, now you know that is THEIR perfect day. You can absolutely do something with the information, but don’t respond in a way that shuts them down before you even get to question #2.

5 Leading Questions for Teens

1. What does your perfect day look like? This has been my #1 favorite question for all the teen clients I see. It can open up dialogue about routine, relationship with food, friends, parents, hobbies, etc. If your teen tends to be too brief, ask them to really think about waking up to bedtime. If they’re still brief, accept their simplicity in the answer and move on.

2. Who are the people in your corner? Sometimes teens (actually ALL of us) need to be reminded of our support system. This question is for them. It also helps you understand who’s got your kids back, and who they probably associate themselves with most.

3. If you could eliminate one bad habit, what would it be? This is always an interesting one. They probably aren’t going to tell you, their parent, that they want to stop vaping, smoking, drinking, etc. but if they do…JUMP, help them. (***side note. If your teen is admitting to harmful, illegal, or seriously unhealthy habits, this is not a time to say “ok” and move on. This is a serious blessing that your child is actually asking for your help. DO NOT PASS on this opportunity!) Now, if they say, play XBOX less or stop staying up so late, you can navigate that by asking if they want help or additional questions, like, “how would that improve your day if you went to bed by 10pm?” etc.

4. If you could give your younger self advice, what would it be? Love, love, love this question. My clients usually respond with, “like what age? My 10-year-old self?” I always respond with, “whatever age comes to mind.” This is soooo telling. Usually whatever age they decide, I make a mental note that it was an important age or time in their lives. It almost doesn’t matter what the advice is. They are learning an important skill-how to reflect and know that life is everchanging. This sends the message that their future self may look back on the now, current self and can give advice.

5. What is one thing you would like to know about your future? This usually helps shed light on what my client’s anxiety is circled around. A lot of times, though, it’s just a really fun conversation about looking forward to the future.

Good luck with using these with your children, students, family members, clients, etc. Let me know how these work for you and if you made changes that worked best for your teen!